


Trying Not To

by TrinityLH (Trinity)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Edom Angst (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Fights, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Magic Loss, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, alec doesn't die, he's just... fixing things, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 21:48:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16503317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trinity/pseuds/TrinityLH
Summary: "Do you regret it?"or, I don't think Magnus is completely okay with losing his magic





	Trying Not To

“Do you regret it?”

 

He has no idea how they got to this point. It had been a quiet night, the two of them eating take out and watching reruns on tv. The conversation was stilted but flowing well enough that the two men could pretend, even for a little while, that everything was okay. Magnus had even scooted close enough that Alec could feel his body heat on the couch, even if they weren’t touching.

 

It had been edging closer to the time of night where Alec usually left, but the night had been so _good_ and Alec was anticipating, _hoping_ , that Magnus wouldn’t comment on it. Of course he had, and instead of Alec complying like usual he shot back a snarky reply along the lines of, _of course, how could I forget,_ and Magnus had asked what that was supposed to mean, and it had just spiraled from there. Now, _thanks to him_ his mind supplied unhelpfully, here they were at the brunt of their anger, all their hurt piled into one question.

 

“Magnus, do you regret it?”

 

And that was the question wasn’t it? This is the question they had been avoiding for the last four months, since Magnus lost his magic. It had all been leading to this, the stunted conversation, the loveless glares, the bitter touches. This is the question they had been avoiding forever, hoping, praying, that the coldness would go away. The look Magnus sports doesn’t do much to comfort Alec once the question is out of his mouth.

 

The look he receives is one of the most emotion he’s gotten since this whole ordeal. It reads _please don’t do this_ and _you don’t want to know the answer,_ but that’s the kicker isn’t it? That Alec already knew the answer, he had just been too afraid to ask, he had been _terrified_ that Magnus would tell him what he’s already known.

 

Magnus goes to take a step closer, but Alec is quicker to take a step back to stay away from his boyfriends’ hands. The shock and hurt was almost too quick to notice in Magnus’ eyes, if Alec had been paying any less attention he’s sure he would have missed it. He could almost laugh, if he could muster it. This was the closest Magnus had been willing to be to him in _months_ , he had been taking to sleeping at the institute because he could barely manage the cold space between the two of them in their- Magnus’- bed. And now look at them, Alec avoiding his boyfriends touch because he was hurt, because he was _scared._

 

“Magnus, answer the question.”

 

The gulp that followed was almost too much to bear. _He’s stalling,_ Alec thought, _he doesn’t want to hurt me._ He would almost be touched if this conversation wasn’t tearing him from the inside out.

 

“Magnus answer the ques-“

 

“Alexander _please._ ”

 

Alec is so startled by his name that he takes a step back without even realizing it. His full name in Magnus’ mouth is like a bucket of cold water washed over him, drenching him from head to toe. He hadn’t even _realized_ that Magnus had only been calling him by his shortened name. How could something so vital go so unnoticed for so long. How could Alec have waited so long to notice this, let alone try to fix it.

 

The tears have formed in his eyes before he has time to think. The love of his life, the one person he will ever love unconditionally has been hurt for so long, has _resented_ him for so long, and Alec hadn’t even _noticed._ Despite his inner unraveling Alec stood his ground.

 

The despair in Magnus’ eyes was almost unbearable, this was the most emotion he’s shown in nearly half a year, let alone _to Alec._  

 

Everything in Alec was screaming for him to back down, all he could see was the raw _hurt_ in Magnus’ expression. The complete and utter _betrayal_ of voicing what’s been tearing them apart for the last four months. Despite that, there was this voice inside his head that told him if he didn’t ask now there was no fixing them after this. That thought had been more than enough for him to look at Magnus in the eye.

 

“Magnus-“

 

“I’m trying not to.”

 

And if that didn’t break Alec more than every injury he’s got in his life _combined._ The breath that leaves his lungs sounds like a punch to the stomach. The tears that he had been stubbornly fighting had come back full force, and not even the angel could hold them back. He took a few staggering steps back, hitting the back of his leg against a side table, but it went unnoticed in-between his tears and his panic.  

 

Words couldn’t find their way out, all he could think was _wrong wrong wrong._ Somewhere in the back of his mind he was aware that Magnus was making his way towards him, but he didn’t know if he told him or indicated that he couldn’t deal with him being close to him right now, because he moved back to his original place across the room.

 

“Alec, listen, _please,_ you have to understand. I love you, and I’d do anything for you, but you must get that every time I look at you I’m reminded of what I lost, and every time I look at you it’s like I’m losing an integral part of me all over again.”

 

If Alec had been broken before, now he was absolutely shattered. What are you supposed to do when the person you love most in the world blames you for arguably the worst thing to ever happen to them? The hiccups that left him were almost unintelligible. 

 

“I- I didn’t- I’m sorry I-“

 

Somewhere between one stutter and the next, Alec’s back found the wall. It wasn’t _fair_ that it hurt so bad even though he already knew the answer, it wasn’t fair that this shit show of a war had made such a prominent presence in his relationship that his partner can’t even stand to look at him, it isn’t fair that it’s always _them._  

 

“Alec-“

 

Looking at Magnus across the room, devastation written across his face with enough guilt to be noticeable, Alec is reminded of what Magnus had once told him, that he would destroy there very ground he stood on to make something right. His heart hurt with so much _wrong_ the only thing that Alec could hope is that Magnus could be right, that he would do anything to fix this.

 

How could you fix something that hurt so  _bad_ _?_

 

There wasn’t anything that could fix this, at least not here, not now. Alec could only take so much in one night, and if he were going to fix this,  _really_ fix this, he had to have a clear head in able to do so. With that he straightened his back, unclenched his fists, and with tears still falling down his face made his way to the front door.  _This isn't the end,_ he thought,  _just a break in between one action and the rest._ Without a word he made his way around Magnus to the front hallway. 

 

“Alec _please-_ “

 

The only reply that followed was the sound of the lofts front door closing behind his boyfriend, if he could even call him that anymore, and the room was left in silence.

 

Somewhere in the quiet Magnus found his voice again,

 

“I can’t lose you too.”

 

~

 

The next morning, when Isabelle finds Magnus on his living room floor with a note crumpled in his hands and tears streaming down his face, she knows that her brother would do anything to make this right too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Alec is in Edom!!! not dead!!  
> anyways im kinda drunk so if this doesn't make sense well.... good luck charlie  
> if there's any spellign mistakes again, I'm drunk, that's just how it be 
> 
> I actually think in the show Magnus is gonna regret it per say, I just like the angst and I like emotionally vulnerable alec lightwood  
> as you can tell I got soem things going on in my life so writing other people being sad helps!!!


End file.
